After my relationship ended, I went on a quest to find advice on lesbian breakups. There are so many great resources out there about healing your heart – but I wanted something with a lesbian twist. So here are my tips for moving on when you’ve got to let someone go.
1. Disconnect on social media.
I know that this is the last thing you want to do when you’ve lost your lover. Women are very emotionally connected to their partners. Lesbian breakups can feel like a death. A way that we like to hang on is to keep in contact via social media to feel like a piece of them is still with us. But trust me when I say that what you don’t know is better for you than looking a picture of your ex getting huggy on a new lady. I recommend Facebook blocking if you have many mutual friends. This way, statues or pictures that they tag your friends in won’t come up on your feed. For Instagram – you’ll have to ask them to block you, which can be awkward, but trust me, it’ll save you heartache when you’re drunk at 2am wondering what they’ve been up to that night.
And DO NOT air your relationship details on Facebook. In the lesbian world, we run in really small circles. Not only could these statues get back to your ex – but if you’re not careful or respectful about your breakup, it could affect your chances at romance in the future. Who wants to date the psycho ex who deleted all their couple photos and then posted a status about it? Yikes.
2. Take some space for awhile.
The topic of staying friends may come up during the process of ending your relationship and, like wanting to stay connected on social media, it can bring a lot of comfort. And it seems so easy when it comes to your lesbro group, who undoubtably, know you as a couple and not as single people. But friendship after lesbian breakups comes with baggage – one person usually feels they can be friends while the other is wanting more. At this point, you really don’t know if you actually can be friends yet. It’s best to give it some space and let your emotions cool before attempting a new relationship.
3. Don’t have sex with someone new for awhile.
This is a topic of much controversy for me because I can understand how therapeutic a rebound can be. After a breakup you might feel like the most unloveable creature in the world, or that you’ll never find a lil cutie ever again. Being found attractive by a boi at the bar does all sorts of things for your self confidence after your world has been shattered by an ex. I’m going to go ahead an say, you CAN have sex with someone after you breakup.
BUT DON’T DO IT MORE THAN ONCE.
I think this is really important for lesbian women especially. Women have more Oxytocin in our system. This is known a the cuddle chemical. It’s what causes you to fall in love hard and fast, adopt two dogs and share an apartment after 3 months of dating. If you start sleeping with someone on the regular, chances that you’ll get into a relationship with that person are HIGH. If you’re not fully recovered from your breakup this can lead to a world of comparisons between your new gal pal and your ex… which isn’t fair to you or them.
Do your heart a favor and wait. Just wait until the pain of the end is slightly better, when you can imagine being with someone other than HER.
4. Build your brand.
I know this sounds way more “blog-esque” than like real breakup advice but hear me out: When you’re in a relationship you tend to build a brand around you as a couple. You have shared interests and activities, your friends may know you as the couple who like to ___________. When you find yourself single again, you might not know what you are about anymore. Do you still like to read graphic novels and play the sims and drink red wine?
Get into yourself. This part is exciting! You can rediscover things you loved to do before you were coupled up AND you can maybe find a few new things to love. I recommend creative expression: and it can be very therapeutic for the moments you just want to cry.
5. Do lesbian things!
Go to ladies night, join a gay girl basketball team, get on Autostraddle and read and comment. Anywhere you can find a new community – go out and be apart of it. This is going to serve a couple of purposes: 1. It will show you how many women you don’t know already. 2. You’ll find some new homo homies to chill with (and they can introduce you to more lesbians, WINK) 3. You’ll be busy with a productive distraction which will help build your self esteem in light of your recent breakup.
Go out there with a purpose to make new friends, not find a new lover. The best relationships are ones that start out of surprise, when you’re just like, oh it’s you, wow, here you are! Not ones that you’re trying to MAKE happen.
I know these pieces of advice seem easier said than done but the point is TO TRY! I myself have made mistakes when it comes to breaking up but I just try to get back to center by following these rules. BEST TIP: Don’t be hard on yourself.
What advice would you give to those going through lesbian breakups? Tell me your thoughts in the comments below.