This is the eleventh installment of the blog series called “Insta Poll.” Included are follower’s ideas and comments in response to a weekly question! If you’d like to be involved, follow LEZ BACKPACK on Instagram!
Do you think lesbian relationships are more protective than their heterosexual counterparts? Is it healthy, normal or irrational? Why or why not? Tell me your experiences, jealousies, confrontations… I want to hear it all!
“As a queer single mother, I get to experience jealousy a bit differently. I get the feeling that because I had a kid the “old fashioned” way, that I an deemed untrustworthy (I do not identify as bi). My last relationship was skeptical of my friends of ANY gender, which I imagine must have been exhausting.”
“I think that in a lot of ways, yeah totally. Like we’ve fought hella hard to be seen, to be taken seriously, to be accepted, then to do this big scary thing where you allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone who has done the same. When you find and build that, the thought of that being taken away is pretty devastating. So yeah maybe dykes fight harder to hold on to those relationships because we’ve fought so damn hard to get there in the first place. I’m not only talking about romantic/sexual relationships either. Queer lady friendships are fucking revolutionary. I think the protectiveness can become irrational and unhealthy but it all comes form a place of deep hurt and fear and what can we do but do our damn best to sit with and honor that and work to move through it.”
“Because the queer community is much smaller where I am than a typical heterosexual population, there tends to be a lot of hanging out in groups with my partner’s exes. In those situations, I would say I tend to be more protective. In general, though, I’ve found that there is a lot more trust between me and my partner and much less petty competition and judgement between myself and other women than what you often see among heterosexual girls.”
“Coming from a heterosexual marriage to coming out with children and falling in love with my beautiful partner, I can say i am extremely protective of my relationship in comparison. I feel queer relationships, for me anyways, require a lot more work since there as so many emotions there. I have never been a jealous person, yet now I get jealous of a lot of petty things. I have become extremely fragile and have shown more vulnerability with my lady than I have with anyone. And it comes naturally. I feel it’s healthy only if communication is frequent and honest. It’s obviously important to be able to share every insecurity and jealous part of you in order to work together towards a common goal. I am still learning to be able to be comfortable with myself during all of this, and comfortable opening up more than I ever have before. It’s been a whirlwind for sure, but I’ve never felt closer with anyone in my entire life.”
“I think every human is different. As much as we want to generalize everything – because that’s just how our brains work, we simplify as much as we can so we don’t get overwhelmed – it’s impossible. No relationship, whether it be through friendship or lovers or family, is secure. And every single brain interprets the world differently. For example, how I feel about my relationships, how secure I feel in them, can and probably is, interpreted and perceived differently from even those that I am in the relationship with. In other words, life is too complex to say any group of individuals sees relationships in a specific way, because it’s not a group dynamic. Your relationships are based solely on yourself and how you wish to interpret them. For example, a simple lack of communication for an extended period of time between me and someone I have a relationship with, causes me huge stresses, my mind goes to ‘this means they don’t love me’ or other things – there are things people fear that we aren’t aware of. Even if someone is straight doesn’t mean they don’t have the fear ‘because this person is a homosexual and I am not, they don’t like me’ . I say that only because I used to have that fear, felt I didn’t fit in with even my best friends’ other friends just because I was the only one in the group that didn’t identify with a title related to them. Though, I do not identify with anything, that in itself causes fear. I guess ultimately we let fear control how we feel about our relationships, and we shouldn’t. Love should never live in fear.”
“I think a lot of our deeply rooted social behaviors as queer women tend to be more nurturing or protective, henceforth the stereotypical “U-Haul” tends to happen. It definitely can be extreme and unhealthy, however a lot of queer relationships make it as much as they don’t make it. In my own experiences I was with my ex for 3 years and she was extremely jealous of interactions I’d have with other people both female or male identified. So it was definitely hard and emotional at times because we were both clingy and needed each other for support because we came out of the closet during that time. There’s a lot of factors that had a lot of impact on why our relationship was the way it was (from cultural to me dating men before).”
“I think lesbians are more intense than their heterosexual counterparts. I have a habit of moving in with my girlfriend quite quickly. Lots of gay girls I know get married after a relatively short amount of time, or at the very least engaged. I don’t think it’s abnormal, not if a lot of us do it 😆 It’s not always healthy and it can make break ups last an age… my ex always used to say, “Gay men have sex and move on. Lesbians have sex and move in.” We moved in after 4 months.”
What do you think, readers? Are lesbian relationships validated in being more protective? Is just human nature in general?
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